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One Journey Consulting
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Summer 2009
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Hello! We hope your summer is providing you with some well-deserved rest and perspective, and time to rejuvenate. We have spent the last few weeks getting ready for our fall workshops and retreat, forming new relationships with amazing professionals dedicated to easing the divorce process and creating our first ebook. And even managing to have some vacation time at the beach! Life is all about balance!
In this newsletter, Renee has returned with a fabulous article on honesty in your relationship, even when it's difficult. Also, one of our alumni has launched a blog on her divorce experience and we feature one of her posts below. We invite you to visit 'Eve's' blog and share your own journey as she builds a community of online support.
We hope to see you this fall!
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But I Didn't Want to Hurt You by Renee Cooper
I often hear this from clients:
"I didn't tell my wife I was unhappy because I didn't want to hurt her."
"I haven't told my children I'm sick because I don't want them to worry."
"I can't tell my boyfriend I want to see other people because he'd be upset."
In other words: "I can't tell you the truth because I don't want to hurt you..."
You have probably used this reasoning yourself, as justification for not speaking your truth. I know I have. The irony is that in trying to "protect you" by not speaking my truth, I am lying to you. This causes enormous damage, not only to me, but to those I love, the very people I am trying to "protect".
I first saw this with stunning clarity after my marriage ended. I realized (with the help of a good coach) that I had spent years withholding from my husband just how unhappy I was, because "I didn't want to hurt him". This withholding eventually led to the chain of events that ended our marriage. And of course, he was deeply hurt, despite my attempts to "protect him". The truth will out eventually.
So I know first-hand the devastation that is caused when we don't speak our truth out of fear of hurting or angering someone. The intention is good, perhaps, but it is based on an incorrect premise: That I am responsible for how you feel.
Our feelings are determined by our thoughts. Feelings are not "caused" by something outside of me. You don't "make" me angry - I get angry based on my thoughts about what you've said or done*.
A simple example: Your ex is late (again) to pick up the kids. How do you react? With anger? (How can he be so inconsiderate of my time?) With worry? (I wonder if something awful has happened!) Or perhaps with pleasure? (This gives me a few more minutes with the kids). One action, three different responses, based on your interpretation of the event.
You are not responsible for my feelings. And am I not responsible for yours.
In his book NonViolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg calls this confusion emotional slavery, where I think I'm responsible for your feelings, and I hold you responsible for mine. The path to emotional freedom, he says, is to remember whose feelings I AM responsible for - my own. I am responsible for generating them (by the thoughts that I think), understanding them, and learning from them.
The mistaken belief that I am responsible for your feelings (and you for mine) destroys my authentic self-expression and my sense of personal power. It makes me a "victim" of your actions. It keeps the truth hidden and stops the flow of Life. Out of fear of "hurting" you, I pretend that things are different than they really are. And you do the same with me. We are all lying to each other, out of a false belief that we are protecting one another from pain.
This I know: when I withhold my voice, my truth, I betray myself. And when I betray myself, I betray you. So, the only way I can "hurt" you is by not being true to myself.
I'm reminded of Shakespeare's words:
This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
One last piece:
The other day, my lover admitted that he had kept something from me, because he thought it might upset me. This is my response: If I become upset by your truth . . . so what? I'm a big girl. I can handle a little upset. (Can you?) Don't patronize me by "protecting" me from your truth. Give me the truth, and allow me my reaction. Let me make the best decisions for me, based on your truth for you. That is real love: honoring me enough to tell me the truth.
Having the courage to face my reaction. Not "protecting me" with withholds.
The truth allows the future to unfold as it is meant to unfold. My mentor used to say: "The truth WILL set you free, but first it will piss you off." Allow your loved ones room for their emotions in response to your truth. Be true to yourself, true to your loved ones, and true to the unfolding of Life.
But I Didn't Want to Hurt You by Renee Cooper
I often hear this from clients:
"I didn't tell my wife I was unhappy because I didn't want to hurt her."
"I haven't told my children I'm sick because I don't want them to worry."
"I can't tell my boyfriend I want to see other people because he'd be upset."
In other words: "I can't tell you the truth because I don't want to hurt you..."
You
have probably used this reasoning yourself, as justification for not
speaking your truth. I know I have. The irony is that in trying to
"protect you" by not speaking my truth, I am lying to you. This causes enormous damage, not only to me, but to those I love, the very people I am trying to "protect".
I
first saw this with stunning clarity after my marriage ended. I
realized (with the help of a good coach) that I had spent years
withholding from my husband just how unhappy I was, because "I didn't
want to hurt him". This withholding eventually led to the
chain of events that ended our marriage. And of course, he was deeply
hurt, despite my attempts to "protect him". The truth will out
eventually.
So
I know first-hand the devastation that is caused when we don't speak
our truth out of fear of hurting or angering someone. The intention is
good, perhaps, but it is based on an incorrect premise: That I am responsible for how you feel.
Our feelings are determined by our thoughts. Feelings are not "caused" by something outside of me. You don't "make" me angry - I get angry based on my thoughts about what you've said or done*.
A simple example: Your ex is late (again) to pick up the kids. How do you react? With anger? (How can he be so inconsiderate of my time?) With worry? (I wonder if something awful has happened!) Or perhaps with pleasure? (This gives me a few more minutes with the kids). One action, three different responses, based on your interpretation of the event.
You are not responsible for my feelings. And am I not responsible for yours.
In his book NonViolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg calls this confusion emotional slavery,
where I think I'm responsible for your feelings, and I hold you
responsible for mine. The path to emotional freedom, he says, is to
remember whose feelings I AM responsible for - my own. I am responsible
for generating them (by the thoughts that I think), understanding them,
and learning from them.
The
mistaken belief that I am responsible for your feelings (and you for
mine) destroys my authentic self-expression and my sense of personal
power. It makes me a "victim" of your actions. It keeps the truth
hidden and stops the flow of Life. Out of fear of "hurting" you, I
pretend that things are different than they really are. And you do the
same with me. We are all lying to each other, out of a false belief
that we are protecting one another from pain.
This
I know: when I withhold my voice, my truth, I betray myself. And when I
betray myself, I betray you. So, the only way I can "hurt" you is by
not being true to myself.
I'm reminded of Shakespeare's words:
This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
One last piece:
The other day, my lover admitted that he had kept something from me, because he thought it might upset me. This is my response:
If I become upset by your truth . . . so what? I'm a big girl. I can
handle a little upset. (Can you?) Don't patronize me by "protecting" me
from your truth. Give me the truth, and allow me my reaction. Let me
make the best decisions for me, based on your truth for you. That is real love: honoring me enough to tell me the truth.
Having the courage to face my reaction. Not "protecting me" with withholds.
The
truth allows the future to unfold as it is meant to unfold. My mentor
used to say: "The truth WILL set you free, but first it will piss you
off." Allow your loved ones room for their emotions in response to your
truth. Be true to yourself, true to your loved ones, and true to the
unfolding of Life.
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What I Miss the Most by Eve
There
is an old saying, 'You don't miss something until it's gone." And when
you've been married a long time, this is true. You start to take some
things for granted- like having a warm body to sleep next to on cold
winter nights, or a guaranteed date to a wedding. Sometimes you don't
miss being married, until you aren't anymore.
Here are the things I miss most about being married:
- A
hand to hold. A few months into my separation, I came to the shocking
conclusion that I no longer had permission to hold a man's hand.
- Back rubs. After a day of carrying a heavy
backpack full of kid essentials, the area right between my shoulders
always aches. It's the place where stretching won't help and only two
strong hands can kneed out the knots.
- A date to any life function. So far, I've
weathered my nephew's birthday party, holiday dinners, election
fundraisers and neighborhood get-togethers. And while I was the only
single person among a gazillion married couples, I reached down deep
into my source of strength, smiled and held my head up high. I had fun
and didn't mind being alone. Until the drive home. Then I miss
processing the event- sharing insights, reviewing conversations, and
yes, occasionally judging other attendees. Driving home alone doesn't
allow the bonding that occurs after you survive it with another person.
- Knowing someone has my back. I miss having someone in my corner even when I'm being an idiot.
- Another juggler. Like most single working
mothers, I juggle way too many balls at any given time. In fact, as I
write this, I'm doing laundry, monitoring a play date and waiting for
homemade pizza to perfectly melt and toast. Multi-tasking is my life,
especially since there is only one of me, only twenty-four hours in a
day, and nine hundred things to get done.
On the flip side, there are many things I enjoy about being single:
- My
own television schedule. NASCAR, Sportscenter and fishing shows are
absent in my home. I can watch any cheesy, dramatic, hilarious show I
want. And can even DVR alternatives.
- A new found sense of independence and
self-respect. I have discovered that I can do things I never thought I
could do: use a power drill, negotiate a new car purchase, and repair
a broken doorknob (I even caught a mouse!). I may still want a man in
my life, but I don't "need" one for these kinds of things any more.
- A house free of judgment. It doesn't matter if
I have a clean house or elaborate dinner on the table at 5pm. I can eat
pancakes and leave a dish in the sink. No one else is coming home.
- Time for me. When the kids are with their dad,
I actually have time to go to the gym, read, nap, go out with friends,
self-nurturing activities that I didn't have time for when I was
married.
- Opportunity. The possibility of my having a
first kiss, falling in love again, becoming whom I've always wanted to
be are all in my future. I only need to believe and take the next step.
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Upcoming Services from One Journey Consulting
Journey of Divorce Base Camp on Wednesdays, September 23- October 28, 5:30-7:15pm-- Our flagship 6-week workshop series is for those who are divorcing or newly divorced. In this workshop we address topics such as nurturing yourself, grief and loss, getting "unstuck", dealing with anger and sadness, and gaining some mastery over the emotional roller-coaster.
Journey of Divorce Trailblazer on Wednesdays, September 23-October 28, 7:30-9:15pm-- For alumni of the Base Camp program, this 6-week program offers continuing support and personal learning through the months and years post-divorce.
Healing The Divorced Heart: A Journey in the Company of Women on October16-18--A weekend of rejuvenation and empowerment for women in NH. A passionate group of women healers from many disciplines will guide your reflection, expression and self-discovery. (A discount is being offered for those who sign up before August 31)
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What I Miss the Most by Eve
There is an old saying, 'You don't miss something until it's gone." And when you've been married a long time, this is true. You start to take some things for granted- like having a warm body to sleep next to on cold winter nights, or a guaranteed date to a wedding. Sometimes you don't miss being married, until you aren't anymore.
Here are the things I miss most about being married:
- A hand to hold. A few months into my separation, I came to the shocking conclusion that I no longer had permission to hold a man's hand.
- Back rubs. After a day of carrying a heavy backpack full of kid essentials, the area right between my shoulders always aches. It's the place where stretching won't help and only two strong hands can kneed out the knots.
- A date to any life function. So far, I've weathered my nephew's birthday party, holiday dinners, election fundraisers and neighborhood get-togethers. And while I was the only single person among a gazillion married couples, I reached down deep into my source of strength, smiled and held my head up high. I had fun and didn't mind being alone. Until the drive home. Then I miss processing the event- sharing insights, reviewing conversations, and yes, occasionally judging other attendees. Driving home alone doesn't allow the bonding that occurs after you survive it with another person.
- Knowing someone has my back. I miss having someone in my corner even when I'm being an idiot.
- Another juggler. Like most single working mothers, I juggle way too many balls at any given time. In fact, as I write this, I'm doing laundry, monitoring a play date and waiting for homemade pizza to perfectly melt and toast. Multi-tasking is my life, especially since there is only one of me, only twenty-four hours in a day, and nine hundred things to get done.
On the flip side, there are many things I enjoy about being single:
- My own television schedule. NASCAR, Sportscenter and fishing shows are absent in my home. I can watch any cheesy, dramatic, hilarious show I want. And can even DVR alternatives.
- A new found sense of independence and self-respect. I have discovered that I can do things I never thought I could do: use a power drill, negotiate a new car purchase, and repair a broken doorknob (I even caught a mouse!). I may still want a man in my life, but I don't "need" one for these kinds of things any more.
- A house free of judgment. It doesn't matter if I have a clean house or elaborate dinner on the table at 5pm. I can eat pancakes and leave a dish in the sink. No one else is coming home.
- Time for me. When the kids are with their dad, I actually have time to go to the gym, read, nap, go out with friends, self-nurturing activities that I didn't have time for when I was married.
- Opportunity. The possibility of my having a first kiss, falling in love again, becoming whom I've always wanted to be are all in my future. I only need to believe and take the next step.
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About One Journey Consulting
One Journey Consulting is a coaching and consulting practice dedicated to personal renewal and rediscovery, particularly through the experience of divorce and other significant life transitions. Services include weekly workshops, one-day seminars, individual coaching and weekend retreats. For more information, visit www.onejourneyconsulting.com.
75 Claypit Hill Road Wayland, Massachusetts 01778 info@onejourneyconsulting.com
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