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One Journey Consulting September 2009
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Fall is upon us. You can feel it in the brisk night air, see it in the fleets of school buses and hear it at football games. And at One Journey Consulting, we are excited for fall because it brings a new season of our Journey of Divorce Base Camp and Trailblazer classes, as well as our annual Fall women's weekend retreat.
To kick off this new One Journey Consulting year, we share with you suggestions on how to empower yourself- the theme of the upcoming women's retreat in October. And Meghan, our business development guru and Base Camp alum, has put some of her thoughts together on what she learned at the workshops. We hope you enjoy both articles and pass them along to those who may also benefit.
Sincerely,
Renee Cooper and Di Hall
One Journey Consulting
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Finding Your Personal Power in Divorce by Renee Cooper
During my divorce, I struggled desperately with a pervasive, frightening sense of being unmoored and out of control. I felt whipped around by my ex's actions, my emotions and the events swirling around me. One minute I was swept away with uncontrollable rage; the next, paralyzed with grief. I'd lost my center and my direction. Lost control over my life, my future, my self.
I have found this sense of powerlessness to be a common experience with divorcing individuals. The process itself is unsettling and life changing. Toss in erratic emotion and you have a recipe for a disempowering disaster. But fortunately, I've also witnessed my clients' journeys to regain (or discover) their personal power.
How does this happen? How do you regain your sense of personal power when you feel so out of control?
Step One: Recognize you always have choice.
Personal power comes from the recognition that you always have choice. While you may not have control over the events happening around you, you ALWAYS have a choice in how you respond and what those events will mean for your life.
For example: your husband left you for another woman. Understandably, this is a very difficult experience; it needs (and deserves) to be mourned appropriately. But you also can choose what this experience will mean for your life: Will you become angry, bitter, closed off from life? Or will you examine your contribution to the relationship - both the good and the bad? Will you use the experience, or will it use you? It all depends on the choices you make. That's personal power.
Step Two: Learn to Set Boundaries and say No.
But what if your spouse is a "controlling person"? How do you deal with them on their level? First, ask yourself: Do I want to deal with them on their level? When I look back on this, will I be proud of myself? Can this moment expand me - challenge me to grow in patience, clarity, wisdom, compassion, courage?
Second, you need to know that "controlling" doesn't exist. It's how you've interpreted some specific behavior. To be effective in setting boundaries, you need to see the behavior, not your interpretations of it. Does the other person lie? Break promises? Treat you rudely? Have strong opinions? What is the exact behavior you're labeling "controlling"? Then learn to set limits and consequences for that specific behavior.
Step Three: Know what you need, and make requests.
The flip side of saying "no" is asking for what you need. To do this, you need: clarity about what you want/need, balanced with concern for the other person's needs. In a divorce, most people only focus on getting THEIR needs met. But as we all know, that attitude simply sets up the next round of retaliation and win/lose. It takes wisdom and practice to hold another person's needs equally important AND work towards a win/win. But it's the only reliable path to getting what you need in the long run.
Step 4: Honor your uniqueness, and contribute it to the world.
Nothing provides a deeper sense of personal power than contributing your self and your gifts to the world. Most of us were raised to believe it's arrogant to acknowledge our strengths, so we exhibit an over-active "humility" that holds us back. As a result, our lives lack a sense of purpose and power. Learn to cultivate your unique gifts, and find ways to make a difference, in small ways, every day.
As Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says, "Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something.It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions.It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones."
That's a personal power we all can cultivate.
Finding Your Personal Power in Divorce by Renee Cooper
During my divorce, I struggled desperately with a pervasive, frightening sense of being unmoored and out of control. I felt whipped around by my ex's actions, my emotions and the events swirling around me. One minute I was swept away with uncontrollable rage; the next, paralyzed with grief. I'd lost my center and my direction. Lost control over my life, my future, my self.
I have found this sense of powerlessness to be a common experience with divorcing individuals. The process itself is unsettling and life changing. Toss in erratic emotion and you have a recipe for a disempowering disaster. But fortunately, I've also witnessed my clients' journeys to regain (or discover) their personal power.
How does this happen? How do you regain your sense of personal power when you feel so out of control?
Step One: Recognize you always have choice.
Personal power comes from the recognition that you always have choice. While you may not have control over the events happening around you, you ALWAYS have a choice in how you respond and what those events will mean for your life.
For example: your husband left you for another woman. Understandably, this is a very difficult experience; it needs (and deserves) to be mourned appropriately. But you also can choose what this experience will mean for your life: Will you become angry, bitter, closed off from life? Or will you examine your contribution to the relationship - both the good and the bad? Will you use the experience, or will it use you? It all depends on the choices you make. That's personal power.
Step Two: Learn to Set Boundaries and say No.
But what if your spouse is a "controlling person"? How do you deal with them on their level? First, ask yourself: Do I want to deal with them on their level? When I look back on this, will I be proud of myself? Can this moment expand me - challenge me to grow in patience, clarity, wisdom, compassion, courage?
Second, you need to know that "controlling" doesn't exist. It's how you've interpreted some specific behavior. To be effective in setting boundaries, you need to see the behavior, not your interpretations of it. Does the other person lie? Break promises? Treat you rudely? Have strong opinions? What is the exact behavior you're labeling "controlling"? Then learn to set limits and consequences for that specific behavior.
Step Three: Know what you need, and make requests.
The flip side of saying "no" is asking for what you need. To do this, you need: clarity about what you want/need, balanced with concern for the other person's needs. In a divorce, most people only focus on getting THEIR needs met. But as we all know, that attitude simply sets up the next round of retaliation and win/lose. It takes wisdom and practice to hold another person's needs equally important AND work towards a win/win. But it's the only reliable path to getting what you need in the long run.
Step 4: Honor your uniqueness, and contribute it to the world.
Nothing provides a deeper sense of personal power than contributing your self and your gifts to the world. Most of us were raised to believe it's arrogant to acknowledge our strengths, so we exhibit an over-active "humility" that holds us back. As a result, our lives lack a sense of purpose and power. Learn to cultivate your unique gifts, and find ways to make a difference, in small ways, every day.
As Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says, "Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something.It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions.It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones."
That's a personal power we all can cultivate.
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Upcoming Services from One Journey Consulting
Journey of Divorce Base Camp on Wednesdays, September 30-November 11, 5:30-7:15pm-- This 6-week workshop series is for those who are separated or newly divorced. In this workshop we address topics such as nurturing yourself, grief and loss, getting "unstuck", dealing with anger and sadness, and gaining some mastery over the emotional roller-coaster.
Journey of Divorce Trailblazer on Wednesdays, September 30-November 11, 7:30-9:15pm-- For alumni of the Base Camp program, this 6-week program offers continuing support and personal learning through the months and years post-divorce.
Healing The Divorced Heart: A Journey in the Company of Women on October16-18--A weekend of rejuvenation and empowerment for women. A passionate group of women healers from many disciplines will guide your reflection, expression and self-discovery.
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What I Learned at Base Camp by Meghan Gehan
A few months into my separation, I had the amazing opportunity to attend the Journey of Divorce Base Camp. Those who attended that fall workshop may remember me as the doe-eyed, all-is-fine person in the corner. I had little to contribute, often sitting through the two hours without sharing an emotion, still too numb to experience the roller coaster. While this may sound like I wasted weeks driving down to Wayland from my North Shore home, I can honestly tell you, it was worth every mile!
Here is what I learned last year at Base Camp:
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I'm not crazy! For nine months I lived in that numb, almost manic period. Rushing around to do everything on my own; proving to the world, my ex and myself that I could handle it. Then it all hit me- the loneliness, intense anger, overwhelming sadness and complete exhaustion. Often all in one day. Sometimes in an hour! (For example: One time, my ex raised an issue about money when he picked up the kids. In thirty minutes, I surfed through rage, emptiness, and relief that I didn't have to deal with him on a full-time basis anymore). Fortunately, I recalled the workshop leader's chart on transitions and knew this emotional roller coaster came with divorce. In this area, at least, I wasn't crazy!
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I'm not alone and don't have to be. Although half of marriages end in divorce, I'm the only separated one in my social group. I'm surrounded by long term marriages with no one to talk to who 'gets it.' The attendees at Base Camp understand why it was difficult to go to my ex's new apartment and see my children so comfortable there or how co-parenting can be so frustrating. And dating? Very few people understand why putting myself out there again is so challenging and scary. Base Campers do. They can empathize, support and even give real advice based on experience.
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Renee Cooper knows her stuff. As a former social worker, I've led many groups on various topics- adoption, substance abuse, etc. My knowledge came from books and training, yet I had a role as an "expert" in the field. However, I had never been adopted or addicted so I couldn't speak from experience. As the founder and leader of the Base Camp program, Renee has not only walked in my shoes, she's jogged, hid and skipped in them as well. So she has credibility and legitimacy when she coaches me to take challenging steps or reassures me I'm not crazy.
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I need to follow my own path. There are no specific rules, no clear route that one must take when getting divorced. And while many people (often those whose experience with divorce is from Desperate Housewives or daytime TV) may tell you what you 'have to do,' only I know what is right for me. I don't have to 'find the shrewdest lawyer' to 'take him (my ex) for all he's worth.' And I definitely don't have to 'get right back out there and start dating.' I can settle this amicably and venture into the social scene again when I'm ready. My own way.
-
Things will get better- as long as I do the work! In my Base Camp, each attendee was in different stages of divorce and healing. Each one served as an inspiring example of the process, but one woman in particular set the bar. She'd been through the ups and downs, but along the way she did the work- she allowed in the pain and confusion, took a hard look at her role in the demise of her marriage and took steps to regain her strength and sense of self. Years later, her divorce isn't defining her; she's defining her life! A great reminder that I can do that as well.
So, for those who have questions about the upcoming Base Camp or are wondering if the time and money spent are worth it, believe me, it is! Hope to see you there!
What I Learned at Base Camp by Meghan Gehan
A few months into my separation, I had the amazing opportunity to attend the Journey of Divorce Base Camp. Those who attended that fall workshop may remember me as the doe-eyed, all-is-fine person in the corner. I had little to contribute, often sitting through the two hours without sharing an emotion, still too numb to experience the roller coaster. While this may sound like I wasted weeks driving down to Wayland from my North Shore home, I can honestly tell you, it was worth every mile!
Here is what I learned last year at Base Camp:
-
I'm not crazy! For nine months I lived in that numb, almost manic period. Rushing around to do everything on my own; proving to the world, my ex and myself that I could handle it. Then it all hit me- the loneliness, intense anger, overwhelming sadness and complete exhaustion. Often all in one day. Sometimes in an hour! (For example: One time, my ex raised an issue about money when he picked up the kids. In thirty minutes, I surfed through rage, emptiness, and relief that I didn't have to deal with him on a full-time basis anymore). Fortunately, I recalled the workshop leader's chart on transitions and knew this emotional roller coaster came with divorce. In this area, at least, I wasn't crazy!
-
I'm not alone and don't have to be. Although half of marriages end in divorce, I'm the only separated one in my social group. I'm surrounded by long term marriages with no one to talk to who 'gets it.' The attendees at Base Camp understand why it was difficult to go to my ex's new apartment and see my children so comfortable there or how co-parenting can be so frustrating. And dating? Very few people understand why putting myself out there again is so challenging and scary. Base Campers do. They can empathize, support and even give real advice based on experience.
-
Renee Cooper knows her stuff. As a former social worker, I've led many groups on various topics- adoption, substance abuse, etc. My knowledge came from books and training, yet I had a role as an "expert" in the field. However, I had never been adopted or addicted so I couldn't speak from experience. As the founder and leader of the Base Camp program, Renee has not only walked in my shoes, she's jogged, hid and skipped in them as well. So she has credibility and legitimacy when she coaches me to take challenging steps or reassures me I'm not crazy.
-
I need to follow my own path. There are no specific rules, no clear route that one must take when getting divorced. And while many people (often those whose experience with divorce is from Desperate Housewives or daytime TV) may tell you what you 'have to do,' only I know what is right for me. I don't have to 'find the shrewdest lawyer' to 'take him (my ex) for all he's worth.' And I definitely don't have to 'get right back out there and start dating.' I can settle this amicably and venture into the social scene again when I'm ready. My own way.
-
Things will get better- as long as I do the work! In my Base Camp, each attendee was in different stages of divorce and healing. Each one served as an inspiring example of the process, but one woman in particular set the bar. She'd been through the ups and downs, but along the way she did the work- she allowed in the pain and confusion, took a hard look at her role in the demise of her marriage and took steps to regain her strength and sense of self. Years later, her divorce isn't defining her; she's defining her life! A great reminder that I can do that as well.
So, for those who have questions about the upcoming Base Camp or are wondering if the time and money spent are worth it, believe me, it is! Hope to see you there!
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About One Journey Consulting
One Journey Consulting is a coaching and consulting practice dedicated to personal renewal and rediscovery, particularly through the experience of divorce and other significant life transitions. Services include weekly workshops, one-day seminars, individual coaching and weekend retreats. For more information, visit www.onejourneyconsulting.com.
75 Claypit Hill Road Wayland, Massachusetts 01778 info@onejourneyconsulting.com
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