One Journey Consulting

February 2009

It's February- the shortest month of the year, but a busy one with the Superbowl, school vacation week and Valentine's Day. Ah, the lovers' holiday. If you're in a relationship, a wonderful opportunity to express your affection for your beloved. But if you are single, the day is often a sore reminder of your solo status. So this month we offer some ideas on how to prepare and celebrate it no matter what your relationship status.
 
Looking ahead, One Journey Consulting is exploring three new workshop offerings. One is for individuals who find their divorce process halted by the economy- either the process has stopped or both parties continue sharing one household due to finances. The second offering is a post-Trailblazer group for people who feel they have 'moved on' from their divorce, and are asking "Now What?" And a third group would expand on the work achieved in the Dare to Date Again workshop. If any of these groups spark your interest, please let us know. We'd love your input!

Renee Cooper and Di Hall

One Journey Consulting

Are You Ready for Love Again? by Renee Cooper

After the end of a significant relationship, you may wonder about the right time to "get back in The Game." Begin too soon and you will destine yourself to repeat past mistakes. Wait too long and you may get settled in the habits of solitary life.
 
Usually, when a person jumps into dating soon after ending a relationship, it signals an attempt to avoid the pain of the current break-up. This is normal, and encouraged by loved ones. They urge us to "get over him/her"since there are "plenty of fish in the sea". The idea is that the quicker you replace the lost relationship, the happier you will be.
 
Though well-meaning, this is bad advice.  No, this is terrible advice. 
 
A break-up requires grieving. We are not comfortable with grieving. We are a "feel good fast" society, impatient with the natural ebb and flow of emotion. We want -- indeed, we expect -- to feel "good" all the time, and when we don't, we rush to anything that will make us feel better.
 
So instead of experiencing our grief, we stuff it, avoid it, medicate it. We use alcohol, television, work  and  . . . dating. But a loss un-grieved is a loss unhealed, which can wreak havoc with our emotional and physical health. So before you begin a new relationship, give yourself adequate time to heal from the old one.
 
A key part of healing is learning from the past relationship. Experience alone does not make you wise. Gathering wisdom takes time and focused reflection, and often, an outside perspective. You can't see what you can't see, so you may need an objective perspective (minister, coach, best friend, hairdresser) to help you glean the insight.
 
Here is a checklist to assess your dating readiness (and be honest!):

• Letting go- Do you fantasize about reconciliation? Do you need "closure"- an explanation or apology from your ex? Do you still complain about your ex's faults to your friends and family? Are you automatically triggered when you see his name on the caller id?  If yes, you may still have some letting go to do.
• Realistic view-Do you have enough emotional distance to see your ex in a balanced way?  To see his light and dark, her gifts and faults?
• Role in break-up-Do you understand the part you played in the break-up? Even if the other person lied, cheated or stole, a relationship is ALWAYS a two-way street. You need to be able to see your role to learn from the experience.
• Alone time-Have you learned to be happy alone? When we date out of fear of being alone, we make poor choices just to avoid spending another Saturday night by ourselves.
• Resilience -Are you strong enough to handle rejection? With dating inevitably comes rejection: some people you want to date won't want to date you. Or this rebound relationship may not last-are you emotionally ready and sturdy enough to handle another breakup?

 
If, after careful reflection, you determine you're ready to get back in the game, congratulations! Use this new wisdom to create the relationship you truly want. 
 
Or, if you decide you're not quite ready, congratulations also! Then do the personal work and honor your own timing. Because there is no single right time, only the right time for you!

One Journey Consulting Services for February

Journey of Divorce Base Camp has been rescheduled to start on February 11 and will run for six weeks on Wednesday evenings. These supportive workshops are designed to provide guidance and support to those who are 'stuck' in the healing process. 

Our Collaborative Co-Parenting Workshop will be held on February 28 with special contributor, Leslie H. Row, LICSW, who specializes in working with children and divorce issues. Whether you and your ex have the occasional disagreement or more consistent conflict, this one-day workshop will show you how to shift your interactions from conflict to cooperation, helping you to work more collaboratively to be the best co-parents possible for your children. 

And save the date for our Healing the Divorce Heart: A Women's Retreat on May 1-3. More details will follow.  

For more information, contact 508-276-1764, info@onejourneyconsulting.com or visit www.onejourneyconsulting.com. Both workshops held in Wayland, MA and the retreat in NH.

Ten Things to Do if You're Single in February by Meghan Gehan

 Valentine's Day. It's highly commercialized. You can't escape it. From the jewelry ads on TV to the rows of red cards in every store, you'd have to go into sensory deprivation to avoid the emotional triggers of this 'romantic-love' holiday. And you don't want to do that because you'll miss the celebration of the other kinds of love in your life- the unconditional love for your children, the soul-sister affection for your best friend and the gratitude for all the people who make your life easier. And don't forget the craving love of chocolate, coffee or other sinful delights! So here are some things you can do on Valentine's Day (and all of February) to honor the loves of your life:

1.     Venture into that card aisle, bypassing the sugary sweetheart cards, and purchase a few for family and friends. Reading the poems dedicated to parents or friendship may remind you of the blessings in your life.

2.     If you love sugar or glitter, take advantage of the heart shaped box of chocolate (dark chocolate even has health benefits!) or pamper yourself with some new jewelry. You'll most likely save money with the promotions this month!

3.     Assemble all the special women in your life to join a tea party and make a seriously ill child smile at the Starlight Foundation's Purses & Pearls' fundraiser. More information can be found at www.starlightnewengland.org or 617-241-9911.

4.     Call your best friends and ask for time. Even ten minutes of attention can push the loneliness away.

5.     Cry. Wallow. Bemoan your lack of candlelit dinner or couples massage. But only for a short time. Take an hour or less to be sad or angry and then let it go. Acknowledge that life can be painful and difficult, but it also has joy and light. Don't let this momentary situation define who you are.

6.     Express your gratitude. Whether by email, handwritten notes or verbal comments, let the people in your life know you appreciate them.

7.     Say thank you, compliment and smile at all the strangers who add joy to your day: the postal carrier who picks up your outgoing mail so you don't have to schlep to the post office; the baronista at Starbucks who always gets your order right; and the teen who bags your groceries without ever crushing the bread. Enjoy the simple things that can work magic.

8.     Be a secret cupid: 'Adopt' a single colleague or elderly neighbor and brighten their day with secret friendly notes, humorous gifts, etc. for the week leading up to Valentine's Day. Then on the fourteenth, take them out to lunch or spend time with them. The fun you'll have focusing on another person may be a highlight of your year.

9.     Imagine your ideal Valentine's Day, from sunrise to sunset. What would it look like and who would you spend it with? Are there ways to incorporate some portion of that picture into this year? If yes, go do it. If not, what obstacles do you need to overcome for it to happen in 2010? Then figure out a plan to accomplish this in the next 365 days.

10.   Shake off the temptation to self-pity, and be your own valentine!  Write a love letter to yourself.  Sing love songs to yourself.  Acknowledge yourself for the beautiful, wise, wonderful person that you are.  You'll be amazed at how empowering it is to be your own best friend!

About One Journey Consulting

One Journey Consulting is a coaching and consulting practice dedicated to personal renewal and rediscovery, particularly through the experience of divorce and other significant life transitions.  Services include weekly workshops, one-day seminars, individual coaching and weekend retreats. For more information, visit www.onejourneyconsulting.com.  
 

75 Claypit Hill Road                           Wayland, Massachusetts 01778                     info@onejourneyconsulting.com